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| Well its the same old shit, just on a different day. I've felt so off lately. Just emotionless. Wish I could figure out why.
I keep telling myself it'll get better once I find a job out here and I start getting out of the house more and making my own friends. But I don't know how much longer I can keep kidding myself. If I dont find a job for at least the holidays, I'm completely out of luck and I'll have to come back to MD.
I haven't accomplished nearly enough for me to give up and come back but I don't know what other choice I have. If I come back now, I'll be just as miserable as when I left.
And of course I'm still just as fucked up as ever on the relationship front. Liz pointed out that I have a bad habit of running away, and only allowing myself to fall for someone if I have an easy escape. Its true and I wish I could figure out why I'm like that. Am I really that afraid of commitment? I guess I always knew I was at least a little, but I didn't realize until recently just how bad it is. I'm such a self saboteur. And the worst part is I can't even tell which feelings are real. The ones making me fall for him, or the ones telling me I shouldn't because "it would never work between us".
Maybe I've been feeling so empty because I haven't been able to really live my life. The past 3 months have just been me trying to find a job and then staying locked up inside our house because I don't have money to do anything else. I don't feel like me anymore. I feel like I'm drifting, lost in some sort of purgatory, and who knows when and if I'll find my way out.
I just want to feel alive again. | | |
| Sometimes I really wish I had someone to talk to. And then again sometimes I guess I'm thankful I don't. Because when I dont have someone to talk to, I just write a letter to myself pretty much. And I write as if I'm confiding everything in someone else. And sometimes I'll learn things about myself. And sometimes they're things I wish I didn't know about myself. And thats when I'm glad it was only me I was writing to.
The other day I think I realized that I'm afraid of commitment. I fall for guys left and right but I've only been in two relationships. The thing is, I'm a hopeless romantic. I would love nothing more than to meet a guy and fall head over heels and have him feel the exact same way. I would love a guy like Noah from The Notebook. I would love a love that intense. I think I have standards that are far too high. I'm holding out for a Prince Charming that will sweep me off my feet.
I tend to fall for guys that I consider "out of my league". It wasn't until recently that I realized that I guess I prefer it that way. I'm too shy and self conscious to be that intimate with someone and so I only fall for the ones I know I have no chance with. That way I don't have to deal with the awkwardness and the pain and heartache. I just don't even try. I'm so afraid of that kind of intimacy that when someone who I already had feelings for, started to show signs that they were interested too, I'd lose interest. I'd start to come up with reasons why I shouldn't like that person. I'd convince myself that I never really liked them. I dunno. Its so strange. I can't really make sense of it. I don't even know what I want anymore.
Theres someone now, where I feel like if I gave it a chance, I could be pretty happy. But part of me doesnt want to, I guess, let go, of past situations and what they might have been. I still kind of want that freedom to find out what they might have been.
I'm afraid of heartache. Whether I'm the one feeling it or causing it. I'm afraid of getting attached and getting hurt. And then I'm afraid of not getting attached. And hurting someone else.
I'm too afraid of pain to ever explore anything. | | |
| Strange how sometimes things can be so different yet feel completely the same. I can't get over it. Like, even though I drove across the country to California, I don't feel that far away from home or my friends. And even though I live in a different house with different people, it doesnt feel out of the ordinary.
I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting when I came to California, but not this. Guess I havent decided exactly how I feel about it all. Not bad, but I can't help but feel like theres more. I dunno. When I was in Maryland, I couldnt wait to get out to California. It was gonna be a big adventure and the beginning of something new. "You carry with you a sense of purpose, even when you're sitting there in the lawn chair out front of Deitle's, and it makes people curious. If you've ever wondered why you get lots of attention, it's because of that quiet riot in your eyes that other people pick up on. A tiny glimmer of the California coast-line in your thousand-mile stare." I feel like now that I'm here, my gaze has shifted and its no longer California that flickers in that 'thousand-mile stare'. I dont know whats in its place though. "I guess I havent been enough places to know where my favorite spot is." Maybe thats the case. Maybe I'm just a little homesick. Maybe California was a pit stop. Maybe I left a part of me behind. Maybe this is just the beginning.
Maybe the reason it doesnt feel so different is cuz I've gotten so used to rotating through different circles of friends. I'm used to going long periods of time without seeing certain people cuz I'm used to them going off to school. Everything seems so familiar. Almost. Can't explain it. Just... somethings not finished. Somethings missing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. Things have been great so far and I've been having fun. Just... like i said. Somethings missing.
Meh. Maybe its nothing. Maybe I just have to give it some more time. | | |
| Hmm... well, its been a while since I last had a real update so I thought I'd write a little somethin... even tho nobody really reads this.
I've been doin really good recently actually. Bennigans is turning out to be a lot of fun. Not the best money but a lot of fun. I'm makin new friends and have actually been hangin out with them outside of work.
And its a great feeling when you realize you've moved on and you're finally able to let go of someone. I'm feeling good. I'm happy.  And I've got my eye on a couple different guys, haha. One of them I dunno if hes even interested but hes a really chill guy. (And cute too  ). The two other ones have girlfriends but whatever. One of 'em doesnt seem to be too faithful haha, and theres kinda been somethin there for a while anyway. Who knows, we'll see. I don't really see myself getting into an actual relationship with that guy anyway. And then theres one guy I just recently found out liked me at one point but hes got a gf now too. Funny thing is I had liked him before but I didnt think he'd be interested. But hes someone I could see myself being with for a while. I dunno. We'll see how things go.
Everything just seems to be falling into place. I'm out of Journeys, at a job that pays a little more, is a hell of a lot more fun, makin new friends. I'm letting go of old ones. I'm gonna be takin drivers ed (FINALLY!!) and I'm actually saving up some money so I can move to LA. Thats gonna be great. Even if I run out of money after like a month and I have to come back, it'll be a great experience tryin to maky a living on my own away from my parents. Just starting over.
Man. Life is good. 
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