| | Sometimes I really wish I had someone to talk to. And then again sometimes I guess I'm thankful I don't. Because when I dont have someone to talk to, I just write a letter to myself pretty much. And I write as if I'm confiding everything in someone else. And sometimes I'll learn things about myself. And sometimes they're things I wish I didn't know about myself. And thats when I'm glad it was only me I was writing to.
The other day I think I realized that I'm afraid of commitment. I fall for guys left and right but I've only been in two relationships. The thing is, I'm a hopeless romantic. I would love nothing more than to meet a guy and fall head over heels and have him feel the exact same way. I would love a guy like Noah from The Notebook. I would love a love that intense. I think I have standards that are far too high. I'm holding out for a Prince Charming that will sweep me off my feet.
I tend to fall for guys that I consider "out of my league". It wasn't until recently that I realized that I guess I prefer it that way. I'm too shy and self conscious to be that intimate with someone and so I only fall for the ones I know I have no chance with. That way I don't have to deal with the awkwardness and the pain and heartache. I just don't even try. I'm so afraid of that kind of intimacy that when someone who I already had feelings for, started to show signs that they were interested too, I'd lose interest. I'd start to come up with reasons why I shouldn't like that person. I'd convince myself that I never really liked them. I dunno. Its so strange. I can't really make sense of it. I don't even know what I want anymore.
Theres someone now, where I feel like if I gave it a chance, I could be pretty happy. But part of me doesnt want to, I guess, let go, of past situations and what they might have been. I still kind of want that freedom to find out what they might have been.
I'm afraid of heartache. Whether I'm the one feeling it or causing it. I'm afraid of getting attached and getting hurt. And then I'm afraid of not getting attached. And hurting someone else.
I'm too afraid of pain to ever explore anything. |
| | Posted 11/4/2007 7:20 AM - 2 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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