| | Well its the same old shit, just on a different day. I've felt so off lately. Just emotionless. Wish I could figure out why.
I keep telling myself it'll get better once I find a job out here and I start getting out of the house more and making my own friends. But I don't know how much longer I can keep kidding myself. If I dont find a job for at least the holidays, I'm completely out of luck and I'll have to come back to MD.
I haven't accomplished nearly enough for me to give up and come back but I don't know what other choice I have. If I come back now, I'll be just as miserable as when I left.
And of course I'm still just as fucked up as ever on the relationship front. Liz pointed out that I have a bad habit of running away, and only allowing myself to fall for someone if I have an easy escape. Its true and I wish I could figure out why I'm like that. Am I really that afraid of commitment? I guess I always knew I was at least a little, but I didn't realize until recently just how bad it is. I'm such a self saboteur. And the worst part is I can't even tell which feelings are real. The ones making me fall for him, or the ones telling me I shouldn't because "it would never work between us".
Maybe I've been feeling so empty because I haven't been able to really live my life. The past 3 months have just been me trying to find a job and then staying locked up inside our house because I don't have money to do anything else. I don't feel like me anymore. I feel like I'm drifting, lost in some sort of purgatory, and who knows when and if I'll find my way out.
I just want to feel alive again. |
| | Posted 12/6/2007 4:29 PM - 12 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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